What is grief, anyway?

If I asked the question of a room full of strangers, “What is grief?”, I'm sure the first person to speak would say, “Sorrow” or maybe, “intense sadness”, “heartbreak”, “misery”. Would anyone say it was fury, inexplicable anxiety, panic attacks in the night? Might they say chest infections or heat attacks, mental confusion or agoraphobia? Or how about shame or remorse or relief followed by guilt? Would outrage be mentioned or resentment, loss of faith or despair, a sense of dislocation or disconnection, weariness of mind, body and soul?

Grief is not an emotion

Grief in my opinion, is not an emotion. It is an umbrella term to cover emotions, and mental and physical states and spiritual too. Grief is not one size fits all, like some shapeless black sack which we can all wear for a one year period of mourning. It is not a charming picture of gentle weeping or an inspiring story of courage in the face of adversity. Neither is it a straight line from one sign post to another ending with a return to our previous ‘normality’. Grief is as individual as we are and as our relationship to the one or the what we are grieving.

I have participated in a few workshops led by the wonderful poet Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer. She writes prolifically and for the last 3 years often uses poetry to explore and express her grief after her teenage son took his own life. This is an exercise she uses and which she is happy to be shared.

Exercise

“Today grief is....”

Complete the sentence as many times as you like – today, later today, tomorrow, next Thursday, next month. Try it. Here are some of mine. (And a secret: I wrote them all in one day – that’s how variable and unpredictable grief can be.)

Today grief is
tapping gently on my chest, not letting me move too far from safe haven;
it is the bare-armed tree, withstanding the winter cold,
the brown river roiling and relentless,
the lens through which I see the still-green daffodil, the blue/grey sky and the dying fire.

Today grief is hard to swallow – so I don't.

Today grief trips me up and I stumble, helpless again with loneliness;
it is irresistible, the ground turning to bog, sucking at my feet,
It is a deep dark ocean with monsters I cannot see – yet;
it is grey, bleak, driech.
Today grief is a dark forest and I wonder if there is a sunlit clearing somewhere, anywhere.

Today grief is a whisper and I believe I can fly.

Today grief hovers waiting to pounce.
It is shards of glass and I am bloodied.
It is like toothache in my chest.
It is a broken pot of disjointed memories.
It is an arduous terrain and I the cartographer.

Today grief is my teacher.

Today grief is the rent fabric of my life.
It is what I do and who I am.
Today grief is my story and I honour it.

I invite you to do the exercise for yourself. Be as simple or as graphic as you like, but don't think about it too much- just let your hand write and don't censor what comes out of your pen. The more specific and sensory you are, the more authentic and enlightening you will find it; and the more you do that the more you are giving yourself permission to let grief be what it is for you – today. There isn't a rule book, a limited set of feelings or responses you are allowed; there isn't a pre-defined order of stages or a cast iron model to follow. There is just you with how you feel, being real, acknowledging how you are, whether that's rubbish or surprisingly optimistic.

I think this is how we honour what or who deeply mattered to us. Whether we are broken or bolshi, weary or worried, raging or ripped, this is how grief grows us, strips us down to the truth of us. And I think it's how we come to find new shoots pushing up through the compost of our tattered feelings.

I would love you to add your “today grief is” sentences to the comments on this blog or send them to me if you'd like to be more private.

With my love

Nickie

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NEWS

Walking with Loss:

Emma and I had so wanted to offer this beautiful retreat, a mix of online sharing and personal exploration in nature. However, it looks as though we are going to need to postpone it until another time. Please would you write to me at the email address on the poster, with expressions of interest. It would also be very helpful if you could write and let me know if something about it wasn’t clear or put you off enquiring or booking.

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Buy me a Coffee

I gift these blogs to you and I am very, very grateful to the many of you who have been gifting me coffees. Being gifted feels very different to being paid. Neither you nor I are obliged to one another, we choose an act of generosity. Thank you so much.

For those of you who would like to gift me regularly or every now and again, please know that every cup of coffee (£5) matters to me and I appreciate each one. You can do so here if you would like to at any time.

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